Woe is Me!

(Note - I wrote this 2 months ago, and am finally posting to remind me of what's going on. I delayed cuz I didn't have a picture to post with this. I finally decided to post with this random picture; it's from a recent trip I took back to UCLA ... I walked campus and had a stop a the inverted fountain, one of my favorite places to hang out!)

I've been struggling with "what I need to do" vs "what is good for me".  These are not always aligned.  

The chemo helps slow the cancer growth, but it also causes nausea, diarrhea, fatigue, and significantly exasperates the vaginal-rectal fistula.

For the (partial) bowel obstruction, I need to get on a low residue diet, but white grains are striped of fiber, vitamins, and minerals necessary for health. Low fiber also does not bulk stool, which is concerning for the vaginal-rectal fistula.

I need to get an ostomy bag to manage the vagina-rectal fistula, but I'm on blood thinners and have other issues that make me a surgery risk.

The sauna is helpful in sweating out the toxins from chemo, but because of my partial obstruction and lack of eating/drinking, it's dehydrating.

It would be good to exercise, but because I'm in disposable underwear, it causes pronounced camel toe when I wear tights.  OK, I know I can wear sweat pants (or shorts), just checking to see if you're reading.

This is total "woe is me" mode.  To get out of it, I need to prioritize.  My first priority is to manage the pain and nausea from the partial bowel obstruction.  That means staying on a low residue diet, eating 5-6 small bites a day (vs. 3 meals), moving to liquids if I start feeling nauseous, and maintaining nutritional value in what I'm eating!

Second priority is the chemo.  I'm currently on a 2-week cycle of Erbitux and 5-FU.  This is ongoing and managed based on PET scan results (which is currently every 2 months).  I'm torn on whether or not I should be on chemo on this strict 2-week cycle, or should I delay a cycle if I'm not strong and healthy. My inclination is to delay the cycle to make sure I'm strong and healthy.

Third priority is the ostomy bag.  The earliest timeframe for this is in April, after 6 months on blood thinners.  At that time, the clots should have resolved.  I'm not sure if I'm ready for this, but I'll use the extra time to research and learn more about what I'm getting in to.

Prioritize and focus.  No more "woe is me" for me.